Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Free Straight Talk Codes
Free Straight Talk Codes: I just got a free Straight Talk code from this site http://freestraighttalk.net
Free Straight Talk Codes
Free Straight Talk Codes: I just got a free Straight Talk code from this site http://freestraighttalk.net
Free Straight Talk Reload Codes
Free Straight Talk Reload Codes: Free Straight Talk reload card codes are here! Visit this website and learn how you can add free minutes to your Straight Talk phone! Guaranteed!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
I hate Sunday Nights
I hate Sunday nights because they mark another week gone by without my family. I worked in the yard a bit today. It meant nothing. Why bother? No one will ever see it but me. No one will ever again say "Geez Mom, your gardens should be in Southern Living". No one will ever tell their friends, "You should see her gardens.. they're amazing." No one will ever sneak a sniff at a flower that I've brought in from my gardens. So why bother? "For Yourself" you might say. My gardens meant so much to me because they meant so much to my family. Gardening brought me and my Mom together. Our last mission was to grow our own Saffron. We were figuring out how to start a business selling saffron. Amongst her things, yes, there they were... crocus bulbs. She bought them but that's as far as she got. They were too dry for me to plant them and expect any results. I'll buy them this year and see how it goes but it won't matter. She's not here. How can you do something together if one of you isn't here? Yes, I carry her in my heart. But my heart is so incredibly broken right now. It can barely function much less dare feel anything but suffering from loss and loneliness.
I've recently met my Mom's family who I didn't know existed. I was never told she had brothers and sisters. They are really nice people. I like to think they would've enjoyed each other, gotten mad at each other, sulked over each other, made up, forgiven and then grown stronger together. Strong enough to maybe have gotten through the horrible things that've happened lately. I know I could sure use some strength about now. I want to tell someone how much this hurts.. how lonely I am and how much I hate Sunday nights. I remember a while back I used to purposely make plans for Sunday nights so I wouldn't spend them alone. I'm just so far into this depression though that I can't bear being with other people.. forcing the smile and laughter... pretending everything is ok. Anything less will scare them off. It has for these past years so I've learned that the only way to keep anyone even remotely close-by is to smile, joke, laugh and pretend. But oh dear God how badly I want to tell someone that I'm still suffering. That every moment is a challenge. Even if they can't understand. Just to let me know that they've not forgotten how difficult it is even after all this time, to get out of bed, then to put one foot in front of the other to walk to the bathroom to simply was my face. Eating alone is almost impossible. The food just chokes me and makes me sick to my stomach unless I'm with others. I know that's what's wrong right now. I haven't eaten in a few days but I just can't find any appetite. I want someone to know. I want anyone to know and not leave me to die alone throughout this slow, tortuous wasting. Now I know what Mom went through when I left Houston and God forgive me but I couldn't stay there any longer. I begged her to come here but she couldn't or wouldn't. I know it would've been hard to leave her marital home of 50 odd years. I know that. I know because I can't move from here in case Lindsey ever comes back to me. If I leave, she won't be able to find me. So I'm stuck. This place is so expensive and every time I look at the house next door where Lindsey used to live, my God.. my heart just gushes pain. But I can't leave. The last memories I have of both of my children are here.
I applied for my Grandson's birth certificate last week. I won't get it because they won't be able to find it. I dont know his birthdate or his name. It was a wast of $50 but its a start. Maybe they'll call and trace Matt and Lindsey's name and find him. And maybe someday he'll find me.
I've recently met my Mom's family who I didn't know existed. I was never told she had brothers and sisters. They are really nice people. I like to think they would've enjoyed each other, gotten mad at each other, sulked over each other, made up, forgiven and then grown stronger together. Strong enough to maybe have gotten through the horrible things that've happened lately. I know I could sure use some strength about now. I want to tell someone how much this hurts.. how lonely I am and how much I hate Sunday nights. I remember a while back I used to purposely make plans for Sunday nights so I wouldn't spend them alone. I'm just so far into this depression though that I can't bear being with other people.. forcing the smile and laughter... pretending everything is ok. Anything less will scare them off. It has for these past years so I've learned that the only way to keep anyone even remotely close-by is to smile, joke, laugh and pretend. But oh dear God how badly I want to tell someone that I'm still suffering. That every moment is a challenge. Even if they can't understand. Just to let me know that they've not forgotten how difficult it is even after all this time, to get out of bed, then to put one foot in front of the other to walk to the bathroom to simply was my face. Eating alone is almost impossible. The food just chokes me and makes me sick to my stomach unless I'm with others. I know that's what's wrong right now. I haven't eaten in a few days but I just can't find any appetite. I want someone to know. I want anyone to know and not leave me to die alone throughout this slow, tortuous wasting. Now I know what Mom went through when I left Houston and God forgive me but I couldn't stay there any longer. I begged her to come here but she couldn't or wouldn't. I know it would've been hard to leave her marital home of 50 odd years. I know that. I know because I can't move from here in case Lindsey ever comes back to me. If I leave, she won't be able to find me. So I'm stuck. This place is so expensive and every time I look at the house next door where Lindsey used to live, my God.. my heart just gushes pain. But I can't leave. The last memories I have of both of my children are here.
I applied for my Grandson's birth certificate last week. I won't get it because they won't be able to find it. I dont know his birthdate or his name. It was a wast of $50 but its a start. Maybe they'll call and trace Matt and Lindsey's name and find him. And maybe someday he'll find me.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Well guys, tomorrow is my Grandson's first Easter... but I don't get to be there to give him bunny kisses or put bunny tracks on the front sidewalk. Yeah, he's not even a year old but his brain is registering everything he experiences. I am not in his registry. I wonder everyday what he will be told about where is my Gramma? Will he be told I am dead as we were our Grandmother? This is wrong on so many levels but at the end of the day... unless I choose to take them to court to enforce my grandparents rights, I nor he got nothin.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
My First Time
This is my first official "blog" aka: posting what's currently on my mind even though no one really cares about it. But it makes me feel better so I'm doing it anyway! Here's my topic d'jour: Adult Children Who Abandon Their Parents.
Piiiiiiiiisses me OFF. Don't understand it. After my son passed from a prescription drug overdose, my daughter announced that she didn't want either of her parents at her wedding because she didn't want to deal with the stress of the two of us in the same room. Understandable, but a "Mom I swear if you and Dad start any crap I'll throw you both out on the sidewalk." would've done just fine. I love her so much more than I desire to interact with him. Punish me when I've done something.. not IN CASE I do something. Now I learn (through other sources) that I have a Grandson who I may never get to know. I was denied my daughter's first pregnancy and fat jokes as we hoist her out of the overstuffed chair. I'll never EVER hear the following words: "Mom, you're going to be a Gramma!" then I cry and hug her endlessly. I kiss her cheek of perfect, porcelain skin. She's so beautiful. Even more now that she's pregnant. She glows. I congratulate the hubs. We shop for everything yet buy only THE cutest ever made. I, of course, get to decide which is the cutest! ;-)
Every night I literally dream of a life with my daughter. I have an imaginary life with my own daughter. Pathetic. I miss her so much.Does she miss me? Didn't she want to share her pregnancy with me? I waited so very long to see my children become parents. My son will never marry or have children. My god how all of this is breaking my heart. I would've NEVER imagined that she would extricate me from her life. We were so close. Or at least I thought we were. I had no idea that she secretly hates me. NO idea. Now I am the enemy and I don't even know how or why. The last thing I heard from her shortly after her wedding was that she and her cousin agree that all of the chaos surrounding the divorce is what drove her brother into such unhappiness. I still want to know where the hell all these critics were when my son needed his family. Can she not see that she is perpetuating the very alienation that she is trying to protect her child from? Can she not see how extreme this is? At the end of the day... it doesn't have to be like this.
Piiiiiiiiisses me OFF. Don't understand it. After my son passed from a prescription drug overdose, my daughter announced that she didn't want either of her parents at her wedding because she didn't want to deal with the stress of the two of us in the same room. Understandable, but a "Mom I swear if you and Dad start any crap I'll throw you both out on the sidewalk." would've done just fine. I love her so much more than I desire to interact with him. Punish me when I've done something.. not IN CASE I do something. Now I learn (through other sources) that I have a Grandson who I may never get to know. I was denied my daughter's first pregnancy and fat jokes as we hoist her out of the overstuffed chair. I'll never EVER hear the following words: "Mom, you're going to be a Gramma!" then I cry and hug her endlessly. I kiss her cheek of perfect, porcelain skin. She's so beautiful. Even more now that she's pregnant. She glows. I congratulate the hubs. We shop for everything yet buy only THE cutest ever made. I, of course, get to decide which is the cutest! ;-)
Every night I literally dream of a life with my daughter. I have an imaginary life with my own daughter. Pathetic. I miss her so much.Does she miss me? Didn't she want to share her pregnancy with me? I waited so very long to see my children become parents. My son will never marry or have children. My god how all of this is breaking my heart. I would've NEVER imagined that she would extricate me from her life. We were so close. Or at least I thought we were. I had no idea that she secretly hates me. NO idea. Now I am the enemy and I don't even know how or why. The last thing I heard from her shortly after her wedding was that she and her cousin agree that all of the chaos surrounding the divorce is what drove her brother into such unhappiness. I still want to know where the hell all these critics were when my son needed his family. Can she not see that she is perpetuating the very alienation that she is trying to protect her child from? Can she not see how extreme this is? At the end of the day... it doesn't have to be like this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)